Thought for the Day

I know God will not give me anything I can't handle.

I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.

~Mother Teresa

44th President of the United States

I watched some of the Inauguration today and was fairly impressed. Maybe it's because I was never at home while it was on (probably) or that I just didn't have any interest in watching any of our past President's take the oath (sounds more likely) but I just don't remember ever seeing the ceremony. I liked his speech, I liked seeing all the "middle-class" citizens there, I liked seeing the emotions on people's faces. I did not like the poet, or Aretha's hat. But other than that, it was pretty good. I did tape it, because there were a few areas that Cameron showed some interest in, like the fact that Obama was using the same Bible for his oath that Abraham Lincoln used. He was fascinated by this. So was I. So in the beginning, during the motorcade from the White House to the Inauguration, Cam was in awe over the new limousine that Obama was riding in. Wondered how Cadillac stretched it the way they did, what parts were bulletproof, if there were TV's in it, you know, the important stuff. Then he asked where they were going. I explained that it wasn't a long drive, but they were headed to the Capitol, where Obama "works".

Cameron: He works?
Me: What do you mean he works? Of course he does ... he's the President.
Cameron: I know, but do they actually do anything ... on their own? You know he doesn't drive his own cars, and probably won't anymore.
Me: Well he has lots of meetings to go to ... about stuff.
Cameron: That doesn't sound like fun.

Then we're watching the former VP's and President's entering the Capitol, he's asking about each one, making some observatory comments ... thought Bill Clinton should be the oldest living President because he looks older than Carter. I'm sure he'd appreciate that one. Then he wondered where the Obama's daughters were.

Me: You mean Malia and Sasha?
Cameron: I don't know who they are .. I just wondered where his daughters were.
Me: Those are his daughters' names and they should be coming through soon.
Cameron: How old are they? Didn't they have school today?Me: I'm pretty sure this was a justified reason for them missing school today.
Cameron: No fair.
Me: Well when your father becomes President, you can miss school for his Inauguration too.

And then after fast forwarding through about another hour or so of the ceremony, he asks if it was over, and I told him not quite. "Do they get any food there? They have to be hungry." Very good point. Perhaps the White House Staff should look into serving refreshments during the Inauguration. What about a hot dog guy or even someone throwing peanuts around?

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday Art & Lucy! I'm not sure that I'll ever forget this. For a recap on the story, click here! Had a good weekend, but very exhausting. We spent Saturday helping move Theresa and the kids into their house. Yahoo! It's a nice house, the kids were excited to have their own rooms again, and have already made some friends. Most importantly, they (we) are all able to get back to our own routines. There's no doubt that it was a VERY long four months or so, for all of us, but it's all good now! So ... that was tiring, but we made sure to take a break to watch football on Sunday. Okay, so it was a long break. Whatever. Awesome Cardinals game ... cannot wait for Superbowl! Cam headed to skate practice today for a few hours, and I managed to get some grocery shopping done. Nothing too exciting! Happy MLK Day ... Cam learned quite a bit about Martin Luther King in school this week. He informed me today that his funeral procession happened on my birthday April 9th ... but 6 years before I was born. Little known fact that he enlightened me with today. :) "They're" right when they say you learn something new every day ... even from an 8 year old.

Honor Roll ... Again!

I started typing "I don't want to brag, but ..." before I realized, you're damn right I'm gonna brag! Cameron made Honor Roll again for the 3rd quarter. All A's, one B. So proud. He truly works hard and it shows. He also informed us that once a quarter they take an 8 minute math test, approximately 240 questions. Well he finished them all in the time allowed, and got 100%. It seems that he and another girl in his class were the only ones in all of the 3rd grade classes to have done so. Yup - more bragging. :)

Enjoy your Friday - it's a 3-day weekend for us! (Well by us I mean Cam and I). Going to be watching some football - Go Cards! - and probably take it easy. Have a great weekend!

Monday Funny

This one is long, but funny! Happy Monday!

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon. The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground. MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough. At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked. Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate. 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than decade.

If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like. I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking 'Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine ..' And the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.