Wednesday Funny

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."

Words for Women to Live By

1. Aspire to be Barbie - the bitch has everything.

2. If the shoe fits - buy them in every color.

3. Take life with a pinch of salt ... A wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila.

4. In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls!

5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days).

6. When life gets you down just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.
7. Let your greatest fear in life be that there is no PMS and this is just your personality.
8. I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.
9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
10. Don't get your knickers in a knot; it solves nothing and makes you walk funny.
11. When life gives you lemons - turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.
12. Keep your chin up, only the first 40 years of parenthood are the hardest.
13. If it has Tires or Testicles it's gonna give you trouble.
14. By the time a women realizes her mother was right, she has a daughter (or son) who thinks she's wrong.

As Eleanor Roosevelt once said ...

In the long run,

we shape our lives,

and we shape ourselves.

The process never ends until we die.

And the choices we make

are ultimately our own responsibility.

Happy Fourth of July!

Hi everyone - hopefully you all have plans to enjoy this great holiday. It has been quite the week here ... I took a couple of days off from work and really spent them working around the house. You know ... fun stuff: baseboards, plant shelves, kitchen cupboards, Cam's ROOM, things like that. Pretty much things that have been put off way too long. I also squeezed in a few appointments, so it was pretty busy. It felt like something had been accomplished, so I suppose that is always a good thing. Another week of skate camp is complete. Cam's been having so much fun, and really progressing with his skating. There was a skate contest this morning at one of the local skate parks, but the thought of skating in the heat didn't seem too appealing. Yeah, me either. Now how about an annual New Year's skate contest, or even Memorial Day? Seriously ... Fourth of July is not the holiday to expect a good turnout. The weather has been stifling. And pretty crazy. It's rained off and on the last few days which is great ... when it keeps raining. The few drops here and there suck - all it does is bring the humidity up and it is miserable. Today is clear and not a cloud in the sky. It should be perfect for our BBQ/party we've got planned for today. Looking forward to it! Our week also consisted of heading tot he theater to see Transformers. Loved it. Thought the first one was better, but this was really good. And ... we also watched Gran Torino which was EXCELLENT. Clint Eastwood was amazing in this movie. It was a tear-jerker, so watch out. But in a great way. It also had some great humor in it, which made it a great all-around flick! Honestly that's about all we've been up to. Not too exciting - but I'll take it. Have a great weekend!

A good chuckle

Out of the Mouth of ... Cameron

"Mom ... Do you know why Preston wasn't at skate camp today"

"Preston, one of your instructors?"

"Yeah ... he was at the dentist. He had to get his wizard teeth pulled."

Mean Moms

In honor of the upcoming Mother's Day weekend, I thought I would post a few of my favorite "mom" related material. :) This one is SOOOO true! Our mom was the MEANEST! :)



We had the meanest mom in the whole world!


While other kids ate candy for breakfast, we had to have cereal, eggs, and toast.

When others had a Pepsi and a Twinkie for lunch, we had to eat sandwiches.

And you can guess our mom fixed us a dinner that was different from what other kids had, too.

Mom insisted on knowing where we were at all times. You'd think we were convicts in a prison. She had to know who our friends were, and what we were doing with them. She insisted that if we said we would be gone for an hour, we would be gone for an hour or less.


We were ashamed to admit it, but she had the nerve to break the Child Labor Laws by making us work. We had to wash the dishes, make the beds, learn to cook, vacuum the floor, do laundry, and all sorts of cruel jobs. I think she would lie awake at night thinking of more things for us to do.

She always insisted on us telling the truth the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

By the time we were teenagers, she could read our minds. Then, life was really tough! Mom wouldn't let our friends just honk the horn when they drove up. They had to come up to the door so she could meet them.

While everyone else could date when they were 12 or 13, we had to wait until we were 16.

Because of our mother we missed out on lots of things other kids experienced. None of us have ever been caught shoplifting, vandalizing other's property, or ever arrested for any crime. It was all her fault.

Now that we have left home, we are all educated, honest adults. We are doing our best to be mean parents just like Mom was. I think that is what's wrong with the world today. It just doesn't have enough mean moms anymore.

Tip to Avoid Swine Flu

CDC WARNING:

"DO NOT DO THIS"

Math Logic

*This was an emal I received. It comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience. I think it's indisputable mathematical logic. This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint ... it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But , A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

Reasons to like beer

... by 7 year olds.

A handful of 7 year old children were asked 'what they thought of beer'. Some interesting responses, but the last one is especially good ... :)

Tim- 'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.'

Mellanie - 'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.'

Grady - 'My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.'

Toby - 'My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'

Sarah - 'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.'

Lilly - 'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.'

Ethan - 'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbeque and they taste disgusting.'

Shirley - 'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'

Jack - 'My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'

7 Reasons not to Mess with Children

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?”

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

You know it's cold in Arizona when ...

Bryan has to wear his down ski parka to BBQ in.

Seriously folks. It's cold here.

What up with that?

Even more seriously,

yeee-eesssss ... we own coats,

and yeee-eesssss we wear them

because it still gets cold.

Granted, I literally have to DUST them off,

but we do own them.

And wear them.

It’s been FREEZING in the morning!

No, we don't have the luxury of snow days,

no, Cameron will probably never experience

the "waking up for school at the butt-ass crack of dawn

to listen to the list of schools closed for the day
being announced on the radio."

But he does own a coat.

Because it does get cold.

Temperatures the past few mornings here have been in the 30s

and there has been frost.

Our fountain was frozen.

AND ... the temps aren’t expected to warm up much either ...

the highs range from 57-62.

Brrrrrr.

That's cold.

For us.

No, we're not running to the mailbox

eagerly waiting for

"Thinking About You In Your Cold Climate"

or

"Hoping Things Warm Up Soon"

cards,

(Does Hallmark make such a thing? Surely they do...)
especially from those of you experiencing

true winter conditions.

But we live in Arizona.

If we wanted cold weather like this,

we'd move.

Why do you think we have Snowbirds?

These temps are WELL below our normal for this time of year,

which should be in the low 70's.

And did I mention the rain?

It's been raining. A lot.

And hard.

A couple of days of it is nice.

Makes me feel like I'm back in Oregon.

But not more than two.

Because I'm not back in Oregon.

So just to recap:

It's cold. Really cold.

Now ... a little sympathy?

Tuesday Funny: Wrong Email Address

Received this as an email ... it's a good one!

A New Jersey couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left New Jersey and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: October 16, 2007

I know you're surprised to hear from me.

They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

I've just arrived and have been checked in.

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then!!!!

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!

THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!

If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill ... barefoot ... BOTH ways ... Yadda, yadda, yadda.

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it was and how easy they've got it!

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, (okay, OKAY! thirty-four), I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!

And I hate to say it but you kids today don't know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue. (Not sure even I would remember how to do this one!)


There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter, with a pen. Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there. (I'm happy to report, I still make Cameron do this ... )


There were no MP3' s or Napsters. You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself. Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! (Gotta love those mix tapes - perfect for road trips and camping!)

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting. If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it. And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either. When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your Bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know. You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister! (What about those times the phone was accidentally left off the hook? Oh, the HORROR!)


We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics. We had the Atari 2600. With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'asteroids'. Your guy was a little square. You actually had to use your Imagination. And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died. Just like LIFE. (We actually had Intellevision, and it was AWESOME! Pitfall was the best ... remember taking a picture of the screen with your high score, and sending it in for a t-shirt? Still waiting for it. So is Bryan.)

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on.You were screwed when it came to channel surfing. You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you Hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-"bad word here"s! (Ahh ... what about the After-school specials? :) And might I add, portable DVD players? Whatever. Even though we have them. They are a godsend. How did our parents, or us, for that matter, manage?)

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove ... Imagine that!

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!

Regards,

The over 30 Crowd

The Obedient Wife

A Thursday laugh for all of you ... Enjoy!

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real 'miser' when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, “When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.”

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, “Wait just a moment!”

She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. Her friend said, “Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.”

The loyal wife replied, “Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.”

“You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?”

“I sure did,” said the wife. “I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check ... If he can cash it, then he can spend it.”

THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES

Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car

and 3 kids each for six weeks.

Each kid will play

two sports

and either take music or dance classes.

There is no fast food.

Each man must

take care of his 3 kids,

keep his assigned house clean,

correct all homework,

complete science projects,

cook, do laundry,

and pay a list of 'pretend' bills with not enough money.

In addition, each man

will have to budget in money for groceries each week.

Each man must remember the birthdays

of all their friends and relatives,

and send cards out on time--no emailing.

Each man must also take each child to a

doctor's appointment,

a dentist appointment,

and a haircut appointment.

He must make one unscheduled

and inconvenient visit per child to the Urgent Care.

He must also make cookies or cupcakes for a social function.

Each man will be responsible for

decorating his own assigned house,

planting flowers outside

and keeping it presentable at all times.

The men will

only have access to television

when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.

The men must shave their legs,

wear makeup daily,

adorn himself with jewelry,

wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes,

keep fingernails polished

and eyebrows groomed.

During one of the six weeks,

the men will have to endure

severe abdominal cramps, back aches,

and have extreme, unexplained mood swings

but never once complain or slow down from other duties.

They must attend weekly school meetings, church,

and find time at least once to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting.

They will need to

read a book to the kids each night,

feed them,

dress them,

brush their teeth

and comb their hair by 7:00 am.

A test will be given at the end of the six weeks,

and each father will be required to know all of the following information:

each child's birthday,

height, weight,

shoe size, clothes size

and doctor's name.

Also the child's weight at birth,

length, time of birth,

and length of labor,

each child's favorite color,

middle name,

favorite snack,

favorite song,

favorite drink,

favorite toy,

biggest fear

and what they want to be when they grow up.

The kids vote them off the island based on performance.

The last man wins only if... he still has enough energy

to be intimate with his spouse

at a moment's notice.

If the last man does win,

he can play the game

over and over and over again

for the next 18-25 years

eventually earning the right

To be called Mother!

How to call the police ...

when you're old and don't move fast anymore...

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no." Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes six police cars, the SWAT Team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them?!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available?!"

Don't mess with old people.

(Supposedly true story - who knows? Still funny!)

Monday Funny

This one is long, but funny! Happy Monday!

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon. The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground. MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough. At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked. Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate. 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than decade.

If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like. I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking 'Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine ..' And the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

The Lawn Mower

I got this from a friend today and had to share! :)

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is usually the husband.

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

"When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

On another note ... I just wanted to say that it has been exactly one year since I started this blog. Not too shabby if I do say so myself! I'm gonna go ahead and give myself a pat on the back ... I hope I've enlightened some of you with my posts, and kept others somewhat in touch with the pictures. Thanks for sticking around!!!

When you have an "I Hate My Job" day ...

Try this: On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:


'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized.'

Now, close your eyes and repeat aloud five times, 'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'

Have a nice day! And remember,

there is always someone else with a job

that is more of a pain in the @ss than yours is!

Wednesday Funnies

AND THEN THE FIGHT STARTED . . .

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive ... so, I took her to a gas station. And then the fight started ...

************************************************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too."

And then the fight started ...

***********************************************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed. "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago. I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My Goodness!" says my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started ...

***********************************************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it ... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started ...